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Dispatch - International Observations Today (Syndicated).

1. In an unprecedented move, the Swedish Nobel Committee awarded the
Nobel Prize early this year, and this because of another unprecedented
step. The Committee has awarded two prizes in physics this year, both
to the same recipient,  M. Raemsch of Portland, Oregon. A spokesman
for the committee, Barf Lunderheosen, told reporters at this morning's
press conference, "Not since Einstein has one person contributed so
much in two disparate areas of physics in one year." In one award,
Raemsch is cited for his work on a novel theory of gravity that shows
that light falls. The profound success of this theory, which
replicates all existing observations and does so without requiring any
mathematical formulas at all, has been hailed as a bellwether for "an
entirely new way of doing physics," according to Prof. Freeman Dyson.
The second award was given for experimental work, in which he
demonstrated the properties of "pseudo-semantic noise on electronic
information networks," chiefly in pockets on the Internet. "The last
person who could do both theory and experiment with such facility was
Enrico Fermi," remarked Sheldon Glashow, another Nobel laureate. As
perhaps an unintended consequence of the surprise move, the Nobel
Committee was unable to inform Mr. Raemsch of the awards in a
traditional wake-up call. His mother, who answered the phone, said
that Mr. Raemsch was "probably out getting some cigs or something."

2. Exxon last week issued a research grant in the amount of $1.2
million to Ken Seto of Xenia, Ohio. Seto has plans to measure absolute
motion in the vertical direction using an exceptionally simple and
elegant experimental design. Seto was able to put the research funds
to immediate use and was happy to relate to fellow physicists that
virtually all of the equipment could be acquired at WalMart. In an
open-records policy, he disclosed all expenses, including $49.95 for a
hand laser pointer, $77.50 for two photodetectors (normally used to
switch off external lighting during daylight hours), and $1.195
million for two custom-milled, notched, cover plates. Seto reported
that with the remaining funds he plans a day trip to see the backyard
experiment of a fellow research who goes by "NoEinstein".

3. Despite warnings from the Bulgarian government, Petcho Valev today
was given a job.

4. And in a stunning development, John Parker and Ralph Rabbidge, who
both are better known by a number of aliases, got together over a
couple of drinks and afterwards announced on a science newsgroup, "OK,
we get it now. Thanks for clearing it up. We don't know what we were
thinking before. It's all good. Thanks again."