The Groningen University Theatre Society Archives

SCRIPT FOR "SCHOOLMANIA"
Thursday, June 12 2003
Dr Nassau College, Norg.

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Skit #1
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Cast:
Albert Sein: DOUG
Henriette Poelman, Debbie Kamphuis and Mark de Vries: his POSSE
Marlous Peterse: JANICE
Annelies de Jong: JANICE'S FRIEND
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[DOUG and POSSE are standing huddled together, headbanging to Limp Bizkit's "Rollin'". They all stop
simultaneously and walk down the hall, lead by DOUG. His posse always stays really close behind him,
imitating his every move. They pass JANICE and her FRIEND]

JANICE: Hey Doug, I heard that you got called to the Principal's office.
DOUG: Yeah, man. Life is pretty rough.
JANICE'S FRIEND: Yeah, and I heard that Shelley dumped you, man. [they laugh] Sucks to be you!
DOUG: Yeah, man, her parent took one look at me and liked me right away.
JANICE: Liked you?
DOUG: Yeah, it's so hard to get some recognition around here for the bad ass that I am.
JANICE'S FRIEND: So she dumped you?
DOUG: Yeah, but that's okay. She was pretty lame anyway. All she wanted to do was talk about Idols and
how hot Jamai was.
JANICE: Well, I guess compared to you...
DOUG: Hey now, that kind of abuse should be saved for someone else. I'm Doug and I deserve your respect
and admiration, not your snide commentation over my situation.
JANICE'S FRIEND: But, Doug, we were just kidding.
DOUG: Whatever. I'm Doug and I have to report to the Principal's office so I'm outta heeeeeere.

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Skit #2
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Cast:
Mark de Vries as PRINCIPAL
Annelies de Jong as MRS SMITH
Debbie Kamphuis, Henriëtte Poelman and Albert Sein as STUDENTS
Marlous Peterse as NERDY STUDENT
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[A classroom. Chaos. DEBBIE is on the phone, ALBERT and HENRIËTTE are heckling the only student who is
eagerly looking forward to class, MARLOUS. Among them are a number of volunteers forming the audience.
Enter the PRINCIPAL and MRS SMITH. The class behaves immediately]

PRINCIPAL: Ahem. Class, this is Mrs Smith, and she will be teaching your English class today. Please be
courteous and listen. Show her the respect that you show me. [To MRS SMITH] Don't hesitate to bring any
problems to me.

[In the meantime, MRS SMITH has written her name clearly on the board.]

MRS SMITH: Yes, thank you. I'm sure everything will be fine.

[Exit PRINCIPAL.]

MRS SMITH: All right, class. Open your book an pages fhgerwopwivbn [Random babbling]

[The students react puzzled, and complain (in Dutch)]

MRS SMITH: gfdhvueogbikbkdjfw feiugwy woerghdfakvb n.

DEBBIE: [Raising hand] Ummmm. Mrs Smith is it? What page number? Will you write that on the board,
please?

[MRS SMITH writes something on the board, though no one can decipher it. More puzzlement]

MRS SMITH: rtg uiwerugy 45 bpgiuty werqg 546ohbs
ALBERT: Excuse, Mrs Smith, I can't understand exactly what you are saying.
MRS SMITH: Would you like me to e-la-bo-ra-te?
ALBERT: Yes-ple-ase.
MRS SMITH: dhrthhe weriobghb eroghwrtb dfsoghwe eroih irpewhg
NERDY STUDENT: htrh! Rotg erogg erthnrgbwe tphwthn? Erigbgewjer.

[They continue babbling for a while. Enter the PRINCIPAL.]

PRINCIPAL: Just checking to see if everything's all right.
MRS SMITH: Everything is fine, we are hard at work here.
ALBERT: [Raises hand] Oh, oh, Mr. Principal, can you read what is written on the board?
PRINCIPAL: Of course I can. It says, "Mrs. Smith", and below that "page 183."

[Amazement. The PRINCIPAL leaves, MRS SMITH and the NERDY STUDENT babble on, while the rest of the
class decides to leave and go for coffee.]

[The HEADMASTER of an old-fashioned English boarding school is sitting behind his desk. A knock on the
door. He looks up.]

HEADMASTER: Yes?

[Enter MRS PERKINS.]

MRS PERKINS: I am Mrs Perkins. You called for me?
HEADMASTER: Yes, yes, so I did. Pleasure to meet you. Please, do take a seat.

[They sit.]

HEADMASTER: Well now, Mrs. Perkins. It was good of you to come in. I realise that you're very busy,
but I didn't think this matter could be discussed over the electric telephone.
MRS PERKINS: No. No, absolutely, Headmaster, I mean, if Tommy is in some sort of trouble, then I'd
like to talk about it.
HEADMASTER: Well, quite frankly, Tommy is in trouble. Recently his behaviour has been very
disappointing.
MRS PERKINS: Dear.
HEADMASTER: He seems to take no interest in school life whatsoever. He refuses to join in at sports.
And it's weeks since any teacher has received any homework from him.
MRS PERKINS: Oh, dear me.
HEADMASTER: Quite frankly, Mrs Perkins, if he wasn't dead, I'd have him removed from this school.
MRS PERKINS: I beg your pardon?
HEADMASTER: [He gets up] Yes, REMOVED! If it wasn't for the fact that your son is dead, he'd be on his
way home right now!
MRS PERKINS: You mean he's dead?
HEADMASTER: [Sits] Yes... He's lying up there in sick bay now, stiff as a board and bright green, and
this is, I fear, typical of his current attitude. You see, the boy has no sense of moderation: one
moment he's flying around like a paper kite, and the next moment he's completely immovable. And
beginning to smell.
MRS PERKINS: Well, how did he die?!
HEADMASTER: Well, is that important?
MRS PERKINS: Why, yes, I think so!
HEADMASTER: [Gets up again] Well... Well... Well, it's all got to do with the library, you see. We've
had a lot of trouble recently with boys taking out library books without library cards. Your son was
caught, and I administered a beating, during which he died. But you'll be glad to know... [Sob from
Mrs. Perkins] You'll be glad to know that the group's leader was caught, so I don't think we'll be
having any trouble with library discipline. You see, the library card system...
MRS PERKINS: I'm sorry...
HEADMASTER: ...was...
MRS PERKINS: You beat my son to death?
HEADMASTER: Yes, yes, so it would seem. Please, I'm not used to being interrupted. You see, the library
card system was introduced...
MRS PERKINS: Well, exactly what happened?
HEADMASTER: Well, apparently, boys were just slipping into the library and taking the books!
MRS PERKINS: No, during the beating!
HEADMASTER: Oh, that? Well...well, one moment he was bending over, the next moment he was lying down, I
mean, er...
MRS PERKINS: Dead?
HEADMASTER: Mmm... deadish! ... Mrs. Perkins, I find this sick fascination with your son's death quite
disturbing. What I'm talking about is his attitude! And quite frankly, I can see who he gets it from.
MRS PERKINS: Well, it wasn't me that beat my son to death!
HEADMASTER: Well, that was perfectly obvious to me from the first day he arrived here. I wondered then,
as I wonder now, if he might not have turned out a very different boy indeed if you had administrated a
few fatal beatings when he was younger.
MRS PERKINS: Are you mad!?
HEADMASTER: I'm FURIOUS! I had to cancel afternoon school on Wednesday for the funeral!
MRS PERKINS: This is madness!
HEADMASTER: Yes, it is. Or at least, it would be...if it were true.
MRS PERKINS: ...What?
HEADMASTER: I've been joking, Mrs Perkins. Pardon me, it's my strange academic sense of humour. I've
been pulling your leg.
MRS PERKINS: Oh, thank God!
HEADMASTER: I wouldn't cancel afternoon school to bury that little shit!

Note: The teachers mentioned are actual teachers at the Dr. Nassau College.
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[PRINCIPAL's office. The PRINCIPAL and her SECRETARY are discussing various real-life students of the
Dr. Nassau College. Then there is a knock at the door. The SECRETARY opens it. It is DOUG. The
SECRETARY lets him in and leaves.]

PRINCIPAL: Come in, Doug.
DOUG: I heard you wanted to see me?
PRINCIPAL: Yes, Doug. Come in.

[DOUG walks in, closely followed by his POSSE, who remain close behind him.]

PRINCIPAL: Have a seat.
DOUG: I'd rather stand because I don't believe in succumbing to your militaristic rule.
PRINCIPAL: Well, stand then, Doug. I admire a man with principles.
DOUG: So, what did you want to talk to me about, Miss de Jong?
PRINCIPAL: Well, Doug, we've had reports about you.
DOUG: Oh yeah?
PRINCIPAL: Yes Doug. Mrs. Honebeek has reported that you have been doing all of your homework.
DOUG: Yeah, so what?
PRINCIPAL: And Miss van Loon mentioned that you are never late for class and always pay attention.
DOUG: Well, that's not entirely true. Last September I was a whole 2 minutes late.
PRINCIPAL: Well, Doug, I'm sure Miss van Loon looked over that one time. And furthermore, Mr van Dijk
said that your experiments are always safe.
DOUG: Well, except for that frog that I exploded.
PRINCIPAL: I just want you to know that this sort of good behaviour is really frowned upon. As a
teenager it is your responsibility to be a little loose, hip, groovy or whatever your crazy kids say
these days, and cut loose.
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DOUG: Hey, is this some sort of trick? Are you trying tog at me to confess? Because I'm Doug and I
don't fall fro tricks like confessing about plugging up all the girls toilets, sticking gum under
desks, and smearing chocolate pudding all over the back of Janice's head. HEY, you tricked me!
PRINCIPAL: Now, come on, Doug. I know you didn't do those things. You are a great student. All the
teachers say so. [comes around desk] But you can tell me anything. Don't think of me as your princi-
pull, but your princi-pall.
DOUG: [Backs off, bumping into his POSSE] Don't touch me, Miss de Jong! I am a wild and unpredictable
crazy psychotic, insane-in-the-membrane -
POSSE: Insane in the brain!
DOUG: - teenager, and I won't be held responsible for my actions.
PRINCIPAL: Okay, Doug. That's more like it. [Pats him on the head] Now here is what I want you to do.
DOUG: [Falls to his knees] I knew it. Here it comes! The system is coming down on me!
PRINCIPAL: I want you to take the rest of the day off. Go home. Watch a lot of TV and make sure you
play some video games. Heck, steal some video games. Hang someone's underwear on the flag pole. Light
the field house on fire. Pay more attention to Eminem lyrics. This reminds me of my high school days,
and the mysterious disappearance of the Westbury High School mascotte.
DOUG: Hey, I'm Doug and I won't be told what to do by you or anyone. I can think for myself. I'm outta
heeeeeere.

[DOUG walks away, but his posse does not follow.]

DOUG: Aren't you guys coming?
POSSE: No way, man. We wanna hear the story of the mysterious disappearance of the Westbury high school
mascotte.

[They move to stand closely behind the PRINCIPAL.]

DOUG: Well, I'm outta heeeeeeere [softer] heeeeeere.